We are bombarded from an early age by images of the perfect partner and the perfect relationship. Stories and Hollywood movies are responsible for propagating myths about what romantic relationships look like and how they function. Myths can be both helpful and unhelpful. Some myths can inspire us to greatness if we approach them correctly - that they can contain important truths and wisdom.
The myths I will be talking about here are not those sorts of myths - these myths can be quite destructive and dangerous as they actually do not contain wise or helpful ideas about how real committed long-term relationships work. I have mentioned a colleague of mine before, an Australian therapist, Russ Harris, who has identified 4 unhelpful myths that can hinder you in finding a suitable partner. If you think you have, it may damage or even ruin these perfectly possible good and satisfying relationships.
Myth 2: You complete Me
This is another very unhelpful notion to have on board. What I say to many of the clients who come to see me that are struggling in their relationships or desperate to be in a relationship, is that ‘you are not ready to be in a relationship until you don’t need to be in a relationship.’ What this means is that you need to be happy in yourself, in your own competence, in your own intelligence and worth, and in your own independence before you are ready to be in a relationship.
That does not mean at all that you wouldn’t want to be in a loving relationship, but you are not driven to be in a relationship because you can’t stand being on your own; that you don’t believe in yourself to stand on your own two feet; that without a man you are a failure or unworthy or unloveable. If this is the level you are at, if this is how you truly feel and think about yourself then you need to do some work on yourself, because if you don’t, your neediness will ruin any relationship with a partner that you pounce upon.
And most likely you will attract such a person themselves, someone looking for a partner to complete them. This is a disastrous scenario because you are both approaching each other for the other to somehow save you from your inadequate unhappy self and of course, that means that both of you will fairly soon be desperately disappointed because they are needing you to complete them and you are needing them to complete you, but neither of you is able to satisfy the other’s needs because your and their desperate needs are not being met by the other.
Photo by Sebastian Voortman: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-and-woman-boat-rowing-in-sea-during-golden-hour-165505/
This does not mean you need to be a perfectly complete and self-actualised human being before you are ready for a healthy creative relationship, but it does mean that you have to have a sufficient level of self-confidence, self-knowledge, self-possession that you can meet a man and have something of yourself to offer him and that he has something to offer you. You are giving out of your fullness not taking out of your emptiness and if it's potentially going to be a healthy relationship they will be doing the same thing. If you sense their neediness you will not be attracted to them because you will be looking for someone who is more or as mature as you.
Next week we will be talking about Myth #3, so please check back in.