We are bombarded from an early age by images of the perfect partner and the perfect relationship. Stories and Hollywood movies are responsible for propagating myths about what romantic relationships look like and how they function. Myths can be both helpful and unhelpful. Some myths can inspire us to greatness if we approach them in the right way - that they can contain important truths and wisdom.
The myths I will be talking about here are not those sorts of myths - these myths can be quite destructive and dangerous as they actually do not contain wise or helpful ideas about how real committed long term relationships work. I have mentioned a colleague of mine before, an Australian therapist, Russ Harris, who has identified 4 unhelpful myths that can hinder you in finding a suitable partner, and then if you think you have, it may damage or even ruin these perfectly possible good and satisfying relationships.
Myth 1: The Perfect Partner
This is the myth that out there somewhere on this planet of 7.5 billion people is the only perfectly suited partner for you and that your job is to find them. Think about what that means. When you think about it, it is a pretty crazy idea that would doom the possibility of really ever finding the right relationship for you. Your task according to this myth is to look high and low to find this person - this may involve you in writing down long lists of attributes that this partner must have if you are to have successfully found this perfect partner and then dating men and sadly crossing them off the list because they failed to embody all of the ideal attributes you were looking for, or after the first six months, you realise that no he is not the perfect one because he didn’t meet all your original perfect criteria. Of course, there are some important guidelines to follow that I wrote about in my previous article, but none of these guidelines require that there would be only one person that could perfectly embody all of these guidelines all of the time.
This myth causes you to be always observing your partner making sure that he is the one - that you have found your perfect partner. And as you observe you will of course see that he has many flaws and weaknesses that were not immediately apparent on the first few dates. You will become increasingly critical and disappointed, focussing more and more on his shortcomings and either not seeing or ignoring all the good things about him. As you do this he will also begin to become increasingly angry and defensive which will further disenchant you eventually leading you or them to end a relationship that may have had great potential.
As Russ points out there is no such thing as the perfect partner, just as there is no such thing as the perfect couple and he then quotes an old joke that you may not have ever come across, that claims that there are only two types of couples: those who have a wonderful relationship and those whom you know really well!
Photo by Alexander Sheryshev: https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-of-couple-kissing-10140953/
You may have come across people or even your close friends who claim that they have found the perfect partner and they are enjoying the perfect relationship. These people are either in a very new relationship where the erotic hormones are flying around and they are utterly unable to see that their partner has ‘clay feet’; or they are in serious denial, or they are just plain lying to make themselves seem special and you to feel jealous or even pathetic.
You don’t have to believe in this myth full-blown for it still to be unhelpful and destructive. You may be able to rationally understand that no man and no relationship could possibly be perfect but if this myth still has some hold over you, it will unconsciously cause you to evaluate and judge your partner far too harshly and prevent you from seeing the possible wonderful satisfaction awaiting you in this relationship. So my advice is that you just drop it completely from your belief system regarding relationships.
Next week we will be talking about Myth #2, so please check back in.